For weeks I have been agonizing over how long to stay at my job at the public library. It’s minimum wage, it requires 20 hours a week (I can’t get more to make it worth quitting my other job; I can’t cut back to make a more manageable schedule), it always requires weekend work, it’s preferred that I do five shifts of four hours each (I’m not allowed to do all my hours in three days)… it’s set up to not be a very desirable job. I was willing to do it when it was a friendly work environment and saw my future career being in libraries, but since I requested the demotion to the entry-level position my co-workers have seemed cold. When it’s a “job” and not a “career,” it just didn’t feel worth it.
And yet … quitting would mean losing half my income. And as I look forward to a big (expensive) move to big (expensive) Seattle, I’ve decided, week after agonizing week, that it was worth it to stay in a job that I dislike. Even knowing that there are other projects that are more to my skillset — projects that I like to think would be more pleasing to my Creator for me to create — I still stayed, because a small guaranteed paycheck is more calming than the risk of stepping into art worlds. Not to mention, juggling two jobs and church activities dominated my schedule enough that I was able to blame work for my inability to create projects. If I quit, that would mean either doing the projects seriously, or having no one to blame but myself for not doing so.
Sunday Rob preached a great message, called “Lessons in Vapor Management.” At the end, he said that we all fall into this mindset of “If only I could just —-, then I would be —-.” I think usually we fit this to the pattern of “If only I could just (accomplish a concrete, worldly task/possession, externally), then I would be (some uncreated emotion or peacefulness, internally).” We fill in the blanks with our own words, but no matter what they are, the universe doesn’t work that way. The external can’t fulfill the internal. Which is why Jesus didn’t come to tell us “Here are ten easy steps to help you become a calm, joyful, fulfilled person.” He says “Here you go, here it is; you had it all along.” We toil for what we had the whole time.
And he’s right, you know. I have fallen into that pattern: If I just stay at this job, I won’t be anxious about finances. If I can just stay for a couple more weeks, I won’t worry about moving to Seattle (as though my anxiety is primarily about finances — who am I kidding?). If I just shelve one more cart of books, I’ll feel like this shift was worthwhile.
But those aren’t true. They’re never true. The promise has been enough to keep me at this job for months, but not anymore. I’m stepping into my anxiety and fear. I’m risking that my art projects won’t be what I hope them to be, that my carpal tunnel won’t allow me to play violin, that the recycled journals won’t sell or even be liked. I’m taking a chance on finding out that the things I think I was created for, aren’t what I was created for. And the possibility of that rejection and deep failure is terrifying; indeed, it’s been paralyzing. It’s paralyzed me into staying at this job for months.
I gave my two weeks notice yesterday. My last day will be the day I turn 24.
love wins (eventually) 